There was so much distance that prevailed between You and I, that I almost felt that even if I devote my entire life to bridge that gap, I still wont be able to fix things between us. But I was wrong. Because I forgot, this time I’m not chasing a creation. I’m not chasing the dependent. I’m not striving for the weak. This time, I’m running after my Creator. The Almighty. The Independent. The Strong. The Powerful – God. My Allah.
I forgot Him. I lost the sight of Him. But He didn’t forget me. He didn’t lose sight of me. I was always in His sight.
Slavery of nafs, made me forget my purpose. I built a huge wall between You and I. My nafs made that wall between You and I. This wall never let me see what lies beyond it. This wall was what my life circulated around. I never made a conscious effort to surpass it and see what a Treasure lies on the other end. For me, this wall was all I have. For me this Dunya was my destination. I drowned in the ocean of Dunya. I lost myself. I lost You. I lost everything.
I died in every single moment in which my heart was devoid of Your remembrance. I starved my heart to death. I starved my soul to death. I was chasing a mirage. I was chasing an illusion. I fell hard. I broke. I shattered. Not because a creation disappointed me but I disappointed Him. I disappointed My Allah. Every single thing here will fade. Every single thing will die its own death. It’s Allah alone Who remains. Then how did I forget Him? Why did I lose sight of Him. How could I let anyone other than Him, rule over my heart and soul? How did I even manage to live without His remembrance? HOW?!
I lived a huge portion of my life without Him. Not once, did He complain! Not once, did He show His wrath on me! Instead, He guided me. He placed love for Him in my heart. How could I do this to You, Allah? How could I disobey you? HOW?
I kept on staining my heart with the filth of this Dunya. I was disillusioned. Guide me Ya Rabb. Guide me!