I was so lost in the sea of my sins, that I became blind towards the Mercy of Allah. I was so wrecked from the inside, that to heal this burn I use to burn myself up with the curse of more sins. I carved layers after layers of sins on my heart. I was so submerged in myself that everything I did was me. I was such a strayer that my eyes turned blind towards His Verses, my ears turned deaf towards His Message, my heart turned wrecked towards His Mercy. I kept refuting His Message. He kept granting me with guidance. I kept losing the sight of Him. He kept sheltering me with His refuge. I kept craving for the filth of this world. He kept reminding me of the life hereafter. I kept losing myself. He kept reviving the real me. I’ve also experienced the state in which a voice used to echo inside of me and said all I do is what makes me – the real me. But sadly, it wasn’t me. It was my nafs ruling over my heart and soul. Piles of my sins made my heart sink in the slavery of my nafs. I chose destruction. I chose loss. I was lost. WALLAHI I was lost. Wrecked. Burnt. But He chose Khair for me. Allahu akbar!
My journey from an ignorant to a believer comprises of series of events that secluded me from the rest of the world for few moments of truth and assisted me in rediscovering myself. A lot of religious speakers like Brother Nouman Ali Khan, Shaykh Omar Suleiman and Ustadha Yasmin Mogahed have inspired me in this path to reaching out to Allah (swt) as well. Youtube videos/lectures have a huge share of credit in this inclination towards Islam, Subhan’Allah.
I always used to wonder how does it feel when one dies. The thought of this emotion used to get so intense at times that it used to preoccupy my mind for long. Then there arrived a time when I was compelled to set loose some relationships that God sent me down with. One of the strongest relationship I’ve shared was with my maternal grandfather (Nana). He died. He died of cancer. His love for me meant so much to me that when he died I was emotionally collapsed. The thought of his departure used to haunt me. I saw him dying right in front of me and I felt so helpless. I was shaking with fear of losing him, terror and pain, that I could hardly utter a word. I know how it feels when you lose someone you adore beyond emotions. It kills you from deep inside. There was a huge space inside of my heart that was vacant now. And I used to seek for ways to fill that space. I used to stumble from one attachment to another, just to fill that space which was created inside. Nothing was working out. To heal that wound, I would turn on the music on loud and tried to hide my insecurities in those few moments which I then believed to be my refuge.
In short, I disobeyed Allah in all those times. And then finally, there came a time which took me to question who I really am. I heard about someone’s death through a friend and as I could relate to that emotion I seriously felt it. There arose a voice from behind which said,
Inna lillahe wa inna ilahe rajeoun
“To Allah we belong and to Him is our return”
This one statement echoed in my ears for long. I went back home and I googled it to find out what it literally means.
When I found out the real meaning it holds, I burst into tears. I remained locked up in my room that night and repented for every single sin that I could think of. The scene of my Nana’s death came as intense flashbacks in front of me. And then I imagined myself in that state. In that very night, I isolated myself from everything else that exist, and sincerely devoted my heart towards my Creator. In this state, I uttered these words;
Ya Allah! Place me in your refuge. I’m a sinner. I know I’m a sinner. I confess I’m a sinner. I’ve fought a thousand battles with my nafs, to reach out to You. I’ve seen an era of struggle within myself to rediscover the lost me. I love you Ya Allah.
You brought me closer to Yourself. You took away my closest relationships so that I could rebuild my relationship with you.
You chose to bring me closer to You. I’ve crushed my ego. I’ve burnt myself, the sinner me. I’ve burnt my sins into ashes.
Today, all I need is You. All I ask for is You. All I seek refuge in is You.
WALLAHI, I prefer that night above all nights in which I shed tears for You. The only prayer my heart screamed from the inside was;
“Ya Allah! What should I do to become dearest to You? Ya Allah I beg you O Lord, I beg You Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem, shape my heart in a way that I become dearest to You”
This is one night, I can never forget. This is one night that changed the state of my heart. This is that one night that brought me closer to Someone Who truly deserves to be loved. This is that one night in which You returned my sight so that I could see You. This is that one night in which You returned my hearing, so that I can hear Your verses. This is that one night that changed my heart for good. This is that one night in which you removed the seal on my heart so that I can come closer to You.
If I’ve to exchange this one night with everything good that I’ve, WALLAHI I would refute this offer. Because this ONE night burnt my sins into ashes and left behind a soul that was now a BELIEVER. Believer of ONE GOD. Ilah. Allah.
La Ilaha Illalah Muhammadur Rasul Allah